12.17.2010
Lydia Likes...
She'd like you to have it...but you have to give it back.
Lydia likes reading (and Aunt Becky)
Lydia likes eggs, a lot. (If you are a pediatrician or hypochondriac mom...please note these are not eggs. I would never feed my child eggs before her 1st birthday! These are merely egg toys Lydia is playing with.)
Wearing only a diaper and having control of the remote.
Thanks Aunt Kelly.
Lydia likes Mommy. And we sure look cute all bundled up for the winter weather.
Lydia likes this barn. It's the Little People Farm Set. She plays with it everyday.
Lydia likes "helping" Mommy wrap Christmas presents. Our ribbons will never be the same.
12.15.2010
Slow Healing
Many people have read my last post about losing our baby. Brian expressed the same thing I was thinking...we could write many many posts about this because the grieving and thinking through this is so complex in our heads, hearts and relationships. Of course, not all thinking is meant to be in public, and certainly not via social media. But here's where I am a few days later.
Healing. Not completely, not as fast as my body is healing. I am distracted most times by life, by Lydia, by just everything that needs to be done. I kind of like that...it means I don't have to dig deep. But then, the hurting catches me by surprise. I will see something about the size our baby was (3/4 of an inch) like this word. It may sound silly, but then I think of him and I cry. A friend will call or email to let me know they are grieving with us and praying for us. It's so good, but also hard to respond to. Our pastor preached a great sermon on Sunday about Mary's song...and I just couldn't stop crying. Thankfully Brian didn't care what his shirt looked like after I leaned on him! And it's hard for me to get into Scripture, because I know the Word is powerfully and active...meant for my good, yes, but penetrating.
It isn't easy being pursued by the Holy God who loves me. He works in the quiet moments and in the moments I am thinking of laundry, lunch or Christmas gifts. He's working through the body of Christ, my family...even Lydia, and just in my heart. It's terribly exposing and vulnerable. It comes in quick hurt, tears and heartache. It comes with slow healing and, Lord wiling, intimacy with this Pursuer.
12.13.2010
Grieving through the Loss of Our Baby
On December 6th, we had our first ultrasound. We saw our little baby, measuring 8 weeks and 5 days...with no heartbeat. The doctors were sympathetic and asked us to come in for tests and another ultrasound at the end of the week. Throughout those (extremely long) 5 days, I had hope. I still felt just as pregnant (I was almost happy every time I got nauseated). I read and prayed through Psalm 139 which tells of God "wonderfully and fearfully" creating and caring for every person even in the mother's womb. I knew that grace had ripped control out of my hands and I had to wait, pray, and hope.
So, Friday came and another ultrasound revealed our tiny baby still with no heartbeat. The doctor quickly explained the medical reasons behind this and scheduled me for a surgery that afternoon. Closure came quickly, in some ways, yet my heart is an open wound and I thought was stronger than this hemorrhage.
Where is my hope? Where is grace? And what of my Father who loves me and desires to give His children good gifts (Matthew 7:7-11)? Our baby dying does not seem like a good gift. It actually doesn't seem like a gift at all, but a curse, a punishment, or maybe a cruel hurtful way to teach me a lesson.
This is not like losing my job or a delay in our plans that I have seen work out for good. I look back and say "God knew what He was doing! It seemed bad at the time, but it all worked out for the better." Will I look back, remember that still silent ultrasound picture and say "See, God had a plan for my good. It all worked out."? I don't know. Maybe in Heaven. But I haven't enough faith and maybe too much honestly to confess that thought isn't very comforting.
I went to seminary. I like the logic of theology. I like how when I dig deep enough I can explain mysteries. I like to fool myself into thinking that I completely comprehend our Lord. I imagine if I could hug Him, my fingers would touch on the other side.
The truth is I would like a hug. One where I am enveloped in Him. One where I know He understands because He cries with me. One where I can be weak because He is supporting me as I tremble. I have to admit an explanation sounds nice. Seeing this tragedy rewritten for good (Romans 8:28) would be wonderful and it sure would make a great story. But a hug sounds better.
So, I continue to lean on my husband who I know grieves with me and still supports me as I fall weak in his arms. I depend so much on my family and friends who have comforted me and just listened. I am so thankful for my church body, the body of Christ, who have hugged me, cared for Lydia, cooked for us, and walked alongside of us without explanations or trite answers.
And even through my honest frustration, sadness and confusion with God, I love Him so much. I am thankful for His promises that are bigger than my understanding. I am thankful that no matter how tight I squeeze my arms will never hold all of Him. And I am truly thankful that His arms now hold our baby when I cannot.
12.03.2010
Thanksgiving: Lydia
11.29.2010
Thanksgiving: The Feast
Everyone knows the three elements of a good Thanksgiving: the Feast, watching Football, and hangout with the Family. Mandy, Lydia, and I were at my parent's house this year. We arrived at my parents house a little after five on Wednesday. We were both surprised at how light traffic was during the busiest travel day of the year. This early arrival was very important as my mom made her famous homemade spaghetti sauce with Italian sausage and meatballs. I love spaghetti and my mom's is the best. We can call this our pre-meal to the feast like preparing for a road race the next day.
5 Gospel Essentials: Application to Us
11.18.2010
Sick Day!!!
Mommy and Lydia reading and learning the alphabet Dr. Seuss style... "Big A, little a, what begins with a?"
Daddy and Lydia hanging out on the couch while daddy was talking to his friend, Dusty.
11.11.2010
Thank You, Veterans!
11.08.2010
11.03.2010
The Cutest Pumpkin Ever
10.29.2010
5 Gospel Essentials: Free Offer by Faith Alone
10.26.2010
Playdates, Daddy-time and Lydia's Future Alma Mater
"Here Lydia, this is how you do it." -David
10.21.2010
Rock Ranch Adventure!
10.20.2010
Lydia: Nine Months
10.18.2010
5 Gospel Essentials: Achieved and Accomplished
10.14.2010
Crazy Hair!
10.07.2010
Moments with Mom (Part 2)
9.30.2010
An Application for Dating My Daughter
Application To Date My Daughter
1. Name_________________________ Date of Birth____________
2. Height _________ Weight________ IQ________ GPA________
3. Social Security # ______________ Driver’s licence #__________
4. Boy Scout Rank_____________________________________
5. Home Address_____________ City/State ____________ Zip____
6. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____________
If no, explain answer _________________________________
7. Number of years parents married ________________________
8. Do you own a van? _______ A truck with oversized tires?______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _______ Do you have a tattoo?_________ (if yes to any of #8, discontinue application and leave the premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ____________ ____________________________________________________.
10. In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!” mean to you? __________________________________________________________.
11. Do you love Jesus? __________ Church you attend _______________ How often do you attend? ______________________
12. When is the best time to interview you father, mother, and pastor? Father ____________ Mother___________ Pastor__________
13. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer all questions freely, all answers are confidential (that means I won’t tell anyone ever — promise)
A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be wounded is in the __________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ____________
C. A woman’s place is in the _________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application doesn’t ask is________________________________________
E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is ______________
14. What do you want to be “if” you grow up? ________________
15. Are you willing to wear an electronic tracking device? _______
I swear all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, crucifixion, electrocution, Chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.
Signature ________________________
9.25.2010
All God's Critters
Some sing low, some sing higher
Some sing out loud on the telephone wire
And some just clap their hands, or paws
Or anything they got.
Listen to the bass, it's the one on the bottom
Where the bullfrog croaks and the hippopotamus
Moans and groans with a big to-do
The old cow just goes MOOOOO
The dog and the cat pick up the middle
While the honey bee hums and the cricket fiddles
The donkey brays and the pony neighs
And the old coyote howls
All God's critters got a place in the choir
Some sing low, some sing higher
Some sing out loud on the telephone wire
And some just clap their hands, or paws
Or anything they got.
Listen to the top where the little birds sing
On the melody with the high note ringing
The hoot owl hollars over everything
And the jaybird disagrees
Singin' in the night-time, singin' in the day
Little duck quacks, and he's on his way
The possum ain't got much to say
And the porcupine talks to himself
All God's critters got a place in the choir
Some sing low, some sing higher
Some sing out loud on the telephone wire
And some just clap their hands, or paws
Or anything they got.
It's a simple song of livin' sung everywhere
By the ox and the fox and the grizzly bear
Grumpy alligator and the hawks above
Sly raccoon and the turtle dove.
All God's critters got a place in the choir
Some sing low, some sing higher
Some sing out loud on the telephone wire
And some just clap their hands, or paws
Or anything they got.
9.21.2010
Lydia: Eight Months
I Feel Like Someone is Sitting on My Head. And They Might Be.
How is having a head cold like sleeping next to a child? I'm not overly prone to sickness nor do I often co-sleep with my three beaut...
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How is having a head cold like sleeping next to a child? I'm not overly prone to sickness nor do I often co-sleep with my three beaut...
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Introduction Every girl has a dream, my little girl, who is two-and-a-half, will one day have this dream, that a man, strong and might...